one too many mornings

It's a restless hungry feeling
That don't mean no one no good,
When everything I'm saying,
You can say it just as good.
You're right from your side,
I'm right from mine.
We're both just one too many mornings
And a thousand miles behind.

the past

listening to matt mays, sweating but feeling cool. i'm almost ready to take matt's simple but completely formidable advice -'keep on keeping on', he says, 'the past is gone'. letting go of the past is hard, but i am changing. i can feel it, and it feels good.

Only a dark cocoon before I get my gorgeous wings
And fly away

...
*warning - long and self-indulgent list about to begin*
...

some misc stuff i've been doing with myself lately.

Gatherings.
anna's in town!
there was a wrap party at electropolis on friday. fun was had, and then there was burger king but no putting edge or carnival.
we had dad's b-day party at a beach in east river on saturday. so f-o-g-g-y. such good vibes. fambly lovin is the only lovin. and don't be perverted, you know what i meant.
breakfast with ellie this morning. sister gossip.
aimee is arranging a mommies' coffee tomorrow afternoon. she is unflappable and unstoppable!
andrea and steve and kaylee and owen are moving. there is a party at the bus stop theatre to wish them well tomorrow night.
crazy fifteen year reunion is this weekend. i can't go because i am camping at keji with the fambly.


Books.
i'm reading a book called everything bad is good for you. it is a book about how video games and other new media are great for brain development. lotsa mcluhan et al. eh, not really my bag, but the library was closed last time i went (due to extreme temperature and lack of air conditioning).

i also read the latest no.1 ladies detective book. it was good. i love reading about botswana. it sounds like a beautiful place. i would love to move there, but dil does not want to.

i read the new harry potter book. jake read it too. dil is reading it now. i won't give away too many secrets but i loved it - "all was well." isn't that perfect?


Movies.
i've watched a really mixed bag of movies lately:
the new harry potter movie (i liked it a lot),
a really terrible movie starring jennifer lopez called monster-in-law (didn't finish it. too terrible.),
and a movie i rented so that we could make fun of it but i ended up liking it a lot - tristan and isolde ("before there was romeo and juliet there was...")
also, i think i am going to be in a movie with syvlie. i'll tell more when i know more.

Music.
i haven't seen a live show (excepting jazz fest and the white stripes) for a long time. i'm going to see billy talent next month. definitely a musical low for me!

i've been listening to the new white stripes album, the new ryan adams album and the new spoon album quite a bit. when angels make contact has been getting fairly heavy play as well.
...

this seems like an awkward place to end a list, but my sammy needs to turn his light out and get some hugs and kisses from his mama, so to be continued?

last day of our acquaintance

listening to a live version of sinead's classic breakup song.

dil and i went to see the white stripes last week. they were SO GOOD. so good. we forgot all the crap and just drank some gin and danced and rocked out for a couple of hours. it felt really good. dil lifted me up high so that i could see jack and meg - favourites were st james infirmary blues, rag and bone, you and i are goingto be friends... oh, i loved the whole thing.

what do i have to say? I am not going back to school in the fall.

i haven't told my parents yet. they are going to be disappointed, but if they really want me to go, they are going to have to pay for it because i can't.

i am relieved to have the decision made. i am also totally adrift. at sea. lost. fuh.

i don't know what to do with myself. dil seems happier than i've ever seen him, jake and sam are squared, sylvie is in tiptop condition, and i am responsible for all of them. they treat me well, with love and respect.

but i am not doing anything but serving their needs. i don't feel like i can do anything else. i know that healthy people don't live the way i'm living right now.

i feel like an idiot for complaining about my life that is really pretty fucking great, but it feels like i'm using up some nonrenewable resources right now, and that makes me worry.

i feel defeated and defeatist and pukey and panicked and predictable.

i don't want to talk to anyone.
i don't want to explain anything.
i don't want to make anyone feel bad.
i don't want to be sympathized with.

i want space.
i want time.
i want quiet.
i want small comforts.

nobody's love is like mine

listening to bluegrass. i like it. it feels summery.

i'm reading a book called dear catastrophe waitress. it is a nice light romantic comedy. what a welcome change from the last book i read - a year of magical thinking by joan didion. i felt like i was being haunted by my own ghost while i read it. i couldn't get the author's voice out of my head, and it was such a sad sad voice. i think that the subject matter - the sudden death of her husband after 40 years of marriage - really wasn't a good reading choice for me right now, given the current circumstances.

jim's surgery is on friday. he is at the forefront of my mind 99% of my waking hours. there is no alternative. he will be okay.

Secret Heart

Listening to lovely Feist on a sweltering day.

I don't really have time to write a proper entry, but I thought that maybe I should maintain some sort of non-facebook presence on the 'net, for whatever it is worth.

In the news:
- Sylvie turned ONE on Sunday. I was really stressed out but everything worked out fine thanks to Dillie.

- My Dad's Uncle Phil died of cancer; his funeral is on Monday. I will take Sylvie. Hopefully she will behave. (Is it declasse to feed your toddler snacks at a
funeral?)

- Dillie is writing scripts for LJ. I couldn't be more proud. And he got new glasses. So handsome!

- We got White Stripes tickets. Happy! Happy! Happy!

- Jake is going on a band trip to Moncton. Without US! GAH!

- Sam has a new teacher - his third this year! He seems quite enthusiastic (both Sammy and Mr. Curran).

- I have no idea what I am doing with my life, but when people ask, I tell them that I'm going back to school in the fall.


This weekend is characteristically nutso:
Tomorrow the boys have no school. Sylvie and I have a program at the library in the morning. Kent is delivering fence stuff in the afternoon. Sam is having a sleepover.

Saturday, Aimee and I are going to the market without the babes. Kristen and Khloe are coming over in the afternoon. We are (maybe!)disassembling the old fence and putting up the new one.

Sunday is Mother's Day. I am expecting breakfast in bed c/o Jake and Sam. Sam has a birthday party in Bayer's Lake at lunch. Mum and Dad are coming in the afternoon and we are going to visit Gran and Grammy. I am hoping that we can borrow Dad's truck to make a dump run, but I haven't mentioned that to him yet. Uhn. I am tired before it even begins, but it is all stuff I want to do and I am excited to get started. We will see how much actually gets done!!

my baby just cares for me

listening to nina simone brag about her baby. it is part of a 'baby' themed playlist that includes songs by jenn grant and james taylor and belle and sebastian and roy orbison and also a mallpunx version of britney's masterpiece hit me baby one more time.

because i was unsure of how to spell britney, i just wiki'd baby one more time and found hit me baby! how did i miss this show? it sounds like american idol for bands from my childhood! i wonder if it's available on alluc.org? i love internet tv. i love tangents. i love the internet.

anyhoooo,

dil and i were talking about how happy we are with how life is going and how we are sure that things are just getting better as time goes on. optimism was never one of my strong suits, but i am awash in it these days... is it the sleep deprivation? the hormones? i don't think so. life is just really sweet. for me i think that the sweetness comes from my unexpected and cherished babies, my *blush* deepening love and respect for my husband, and also from a much greater contentment with my inner self. my thirties have been good to me so far, and when i look into the future, it is with a rosy glow. okay, maybe that part is the beer. guh, sentimental fool!

speaking of sentimentality, congratulations to sandra and jt and geetha and joris!!! yay love! yay marriage! next thing i know, y'all will be having baby showers!!! heeheehee!! yikes - it makes me giggle and use far! too! many! exclamation marks just thinking about it!!

sugar baby

listening to love and theft. dil put it on this morning before he left for work. i heard it from the bedroom - it came into the last bit of dream that i had been clinging to. the dream was about summertime and there was someone in it that i haven't seen in a while. now i'm replaying the album. one of my favourites.
sylvie is sitting next to me chewing on some bananas and cheerios. she is such a little hairless monkey. she clings to me the same way the baby chimps cling on nature of things. if i had armpit hair she'd try to hang by it, i'm sure. as my dad said yesterday, "you two have certainly bonded!" that is a nice way of saying that she follows me around pulling on my pantleg and crying to be picked up, even when there are four other people in the room acting like clowns and trying her get her attention. it is just a phase - the boys did the same thing - but it is exhausting.
her favourite word is "hat". her favourite toy is a little keyboard that plays a samba beat. she loves brown bear and spot and down by the bay. she sleeps at night with raffi (her giraffe) and ellie (her heffalump). she loves to sit with the boys when they play game cube. she holds a controller. she also likes the telephone and the tv remote. she has the best smile in the world.
jake is also going through a challenging phase - i think it is called puberty. we are the same height now and he is very strong - maybe stronger than me, although i still have weight advantage of about twenty pounds. he is soooo moody. and awkward. and he breaks my heart with his angst.
sam is... sam. he is so much a gemini that it makes me a believer in astrology. i never really know what he's going to do or say next. the wind changes direction and so does sam. what do they say about the weather - if you don't like the weather, wait for five minutes and it will be different? something like that. (i'm balls at remembering catchy little sayings). anyway, what i mean is: he is violently depressed? wait five minutes and he is the happiest boy in the world.
oops, banana break is over.