last day of our acquaintance

listening to a live version of sinead's classic breakup song.

dil and i went to see the white stripes last week. they were SO GOOD. so good. we forgot all the crap and just drank some gin and danced and rocked out for a couple of hours. it felt really good. dil lifted me up high so that i could see jack and meg - favourites were st james infirmary blues, rag and bone, you and i are goingto be friends... oh, i loved the whole thing.

what do i have to say? I am not going back to school in the fall.

i haven't told my parents yet. they are going to be disappointed, but if they really want me to go, they are going to have to pay for it because i can't.

i am relieved to have the decision made. i am also totally adrift. at sea. lost. fuh.

i don't know what to do with myself. dil seems happier than i've ever seen him, jake and sam are squared, sylvie is in tiptop condition, and i am responsible for all of them. they treat me well, with love and respect.

but i am not doing anything but serving their needs. i don't feel like i can do anything else. i know that healthy people don't live the way i'm living right now.

i feel like an idiot for complaining about my life that is really pretty fucking great, but it feels like i'm using up some nonrenewable resources right now, and that makes me worry.

i feel defeated and defeatist and pukey and panicked and predictable.

i don't want to talk to anyone.
i don't want to explain anything.
i don't want to make anyone feel bad.
i don't want to be sympathized with.

i want space.
i want time.
i want quiet.
i want small comforts.