time (the revelator)

i'm listening to gillian welch on a cold wet miserable monday. the cats are curled up on the sofa, the baby is asleep and tucked under some warm blankets on the floor next to my chair, the boys are both at school, dil is at work, and i am sitting here at the computer trying to work through some of the anxiety i'm feeling. what's bothering me? here's a list of things that are on my mind:

christmas - need to get a tree. need to decorate the house. need to make christmas magical and fun for the boys. need to figure out what to get people. need to find time/energy to do shopping. need to pay for things. need to make sure no one feels neglected/left out. oh, and i need to actually mail the christmas cards this year.

dil's still sick. are the antibiotics not working? no, they aren't. why aren't they working? don't know. does he need to go back to the doctor? probably. when can he go? i need to check the walk in hours.

the house is so unfinished. the walls need to be painted. the bathroom needs to be tiled. eamon needs to finish the electricals. we need to build a cabinet to protect the fuse box. ugh. no more stupid house talk. blech.

sam is having little existential panic attacks about what happens when you die. he needs a haircut. he plays too much gamecube. he doesn't get enough attention. he's too skinny. is he lonely? is he sad? i need play to with him more often.

jake and dil fight too much. dil and i don't spend enough time with jake. does he feel like he can talk to us? his friends seem so awkward and rude and geeky. is jake awkward and rude and geeky? maybe. is it just a stage? do i understand him at all? does he still love me?

this is usually the worst time of the year for me in some ways because i have this anxiety thing. i get a paralyzed and waste a lot of time worrying and being uncomfortable when i really just want to be light and airy and fun. 'tis the season to play and hug and party and laugh and light candles and drink punch and feel warm, but i usually end up feeling incompetent.

wow. writing about what i want to do as opposed to what is bothering me feels a lot better. way better. okay. well then. what i want to do:

i want to buy some paint and paint the house. i want to take time with my boys. i want to make good food. i want to have a party and invite all my friends and my family. i want to not buy presents. huh. okay. i can do this.