truth be told

listening to la de da, thinking about the colour of the leaves before they fall. i should be cleaning my office, but i don't really want to.

so... i'm pregnant. yup. i am the fertile queen of bad timing. it's been a bit of a crisis and i haven't been handling it the best. i've been sick for pretty much a month solid. my nerves are frayed and my body is fucked up but i'm coming to grips with it a little bit more each day. i like babies, and i like kids even more, but honestly, i thought that i was done, and maybe i am still in shock a little that i am indeed decidedly *not* done. i think when i stop throwing up (this has been the consensus, anyway) that i will be a lot less ambivalent.

some people have been really supportive and awesome, and it means so much to me to have you, to not be alone, to have advice and ears of women i respect. i've also been let down by some people, i guess, but not tragically because it was so predictable. i waited to tell some people until i could handle their reactions, and i am not sorry about that. in fact, i wish i didn't have to tell some of you. (um, no historical comparisons, please.)

as for the men in my life, dillie has been taking care of me in his own dillie way - hovering one minute and oblivious the next, sweet and meaning well throughout. the boys are taking it well, sort of. jake, aware of the birds and bees, thinks it's "weird". sam is worried that the baby will want his baby blanket and has had a stomachache the last few days (hopefully unrelated). my dad is hoping for a girl. whatever.

and i am not going to quit school. we can switch things around and make room, and i am willing to make some concessions, but i am not quitting school.