the past

listening to matt mays, sweating but feeling cool. i'm almost ready to take matt's simple but completely formidable advice -'keep on keeping on', he says, 'the past is gone'. letting go of the past is hard, but i am changing. i can feel it, and it feels good.

Only a dark cocoon before I get my gorgeous wings
And fly away

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*warning - long and self-indulgent list about to begin*
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some misc stuff i've been doing with myself lately.

Gatherings.
anna's in town!
there was a wrap party at electropolis on friday. fun was had, and then there was burger king but no putting edge or carnival.
we had dad's b-day party at a beach in east river on saturday. so f-o-g-g-y. such good vibes. fambly lovin is the only lovin. and don't be perverted, you know what i meant.
breakfast with ellie this morning. sister gossip.
aimee is arranging a mommies' coffee tomorrow afternoon. she is unflappable and unstoppable!
andrea and steve and kaylee and owen are moving. there is a party at the bus stop theatre to wish them well tomorrow night.
crazy fifteen year reunion is this weekend. i can't go because i am camping at keji with the fambly.


Books.
i'm reading a book called everything bad is good for you. it is a book about how video games and other new media are great for brain development. lotsa mcluhan et al. eh, not really my bag, but the library was closed last time i went (due to extreme temperature and lack of air conditioning).

i also read the latest no.1 ladies detective book. it was good. i love reading about botswana. it sounds like a beautiful place. i would love to move there, but dil does not want to.

i read the new harry potter book. jake read it too. dil is reading it now. i won't give away too many secrets but i loved it - "all was well." isn't that perfect?


Movies.
i've watched a really mixed bag of movies lately:
the new harry potter movie (i liked it a lot),
a really terrible movie starring jennifer lopez called monster-in-law (didn't finish it. too terrible.),
and a movie i rented so that we could make fun of it but i ended up liking it a lot - tristan and isolde ("before there was romeo and juliet there was...")
also, i think i am going to be in a movie with syvlie. i'll tell more when i know more.

Music.
i haven't seen a live show (excepting jazz fest and the white stripes) for a long time. i'm going to see billy talent next month. definitely a musical low for me!

i've been listening to the new white stripes album, the new ryan adams album and the new spoon album quite a bit. when angels make contact has been getting fairly heavy play as well.
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this seems like an awkward place to end a list, but my sammy needs to turn his light out and get some hugs and kisses from his mama, so to be continued?

last day of our acquaintance

listening to a live version of sinead's classic breakup song.

dil and i went to see the white stripes last week. they were SO GOOD. so good. we forgot all the crap and just drank some gin and danced and rocked out for a couple of hours. it felt really good. dil lifted me up high so that i could see jack and meg - favourites were st james infirmary blues, rag and bone, you and i are goingto be friends... oh, i loved the whole thing.

what do i have to say? I am not going back to school in the fall.

i haven't told my parents yet. they are going to be disappointed, but if they really want me to go, they are going to have to pay for it because i can't.

i am relieved to have the decision made. i am also totally adrift. at sea. lost. fuh.

i don't know what to do with myself. dil seems happier than i've ever seen him, jake and sam are squared, sylvie is in tiptop condition, and i am responsible for all of them. they treat me well, with love and respect.

but i am not doing anything but serving their needs. i don't feel like i can do anything else. i know that healthy people don't live the way i'm living right now.

i feel like an idiot for complaining about my life that is really pretty fucking great, but it feels like i'm using up some nonrenewable resources right now, and that makes me worry.

i feel defeated and defeatist and pukey and panicked and predictable.

i don't want to talk to anyone.
i don't want to explain anything.
i don't want to make anyone feel bad.
i don't want to be sympathized with.

i want space.
i want time.
i want quiet.
i want small comforts.