40 oz. for breakfast

listening to blackalicious, who are pure joy any day of the week. today, these guys are saving my life with their bouncy beats and their love of good words.

crappiness:
- it is cold and windy and very wet and getting dark.
- it is my 31st birthday and i don't get any boozy party. well, i guess i could, but i wouldn't get any booze. i've been told that enjoying the boozing like i do is probably some sort of character flaw and indicates that i am immature and socially maladjusted and maybe a little crazy, but i don't really care. i miss boozy parties and find it sad that it will be summer 2006 before i'm good to go again. bugger.
- i have an assignment due yesterday still open on my desktop(s), both real and virtual, and the stupid mark is on the stupid bell curve so 2% per day may actually matter.
- i keep having these shitty anxiety attacks and can't. sleep. except. like. this. (broken.)
- morning sickness: just when i think i'm out, it pulls me back in.

happiness:
- little one has now graduated from peanut to lime. i like the little round belly this is giving me, and i am really excited about the prospect of feeling that awesome small, swimming, squirming otherness that's coming around the end of december, all too soon giving way mid-march to the "hey, get out from under my ribs! this body ain't big enough for the both of us" feeling :-)
- i am surrounded by good people. thanks to all for good wishes and prezzies. i love you too.
- my roof doesn't seem to be leaking any more.
- i am going out to dinner with three handsome men tonight.

i have no good school news, unless you count the fact that i am almost done this assignment. close, but no cigar.

truth be told

listening to la de da, thinking about the colour of the leaves before they fall. i should be cleaning my office, but i don't really want to.

so... i'm pregnant. yup. i am the fertile queen of bad timing. it's been a bit of a crisis and i haven't been handling it the best. i've been sick for pretty much a month solid. my nerves are frayed and my body is fucked up but i'm coming to grips with it a little bit more each day. i like babies, and i like kids even more, but honestly, i thought that i was done, and maybe i am still in shock a little that i am indeed decidedly *not* done. i think when i stop throwing up (this has been the consensus, anyway) that i will be a lot less ambivalent.

some people have been really supportive and awesome, and it means so much to me to have you, to not be alone, to have advice and ears of women i respect. i've also been let down by some people, i guess, but not tragically because it was so predictable. i waited to tell some people until i could handle their reactions, and i am not sorry about that. in fact, i wish i didn't have to tell some of you. (um, no historical comparisons, please.)

as for the men in my life, dillie has been taking care of me in his own dillie way - hovering one minute and oblivious the next, sweet and meaning well throughout. the boys are taking it well, sort of. jake, aware of the birds and bees, thinks it's "weird". sam is worried that the baby will want his baby blanket and has had a stomachache the last few days (hopefully unrelated). my dad is hoping for a girl. whatever.

and i am not going to quit school. we can switch things around and make room, and i am willing to make some concessions, but i am not quitting school.