let it snow

listening to some christmas music - frank sinatra is singing right now. lots to do, but it is manageable. ellie and i went to breakfast at the pyramid this morning. wherever we lived, we have always been blessed with good breakfast joints. so tasty, so friendly. on the way home i dropped my xmas cards in the mailbox. woohoo!

a big part of what is making me so relaxed is that i'm not doing much shopping this year. we decided to give unicef/oxfam/foster parents plan gifts. instead of me spending my days combing stores for something 'special', we bought a bunch of chickens and aids drugs and school fees and soccer balls for people. i think that we'll also give peeps something small for under the tree, but it takes a huge weight off to not have to shop. christmas suddenly became 50% more relaxed...

also we gave jake and sam the choice between getting something big like a wii or giving the money to foster parents plan. they voted the latter. now we have a new 'foster child'. his name is yasir and he lives in pakistan. his family are tenant farmers. i bet they work a lot harder than i do. hopefully we can make a difference in their lives. anyway, i got the boys a few things. and santa is coming too, of course!

dil got a new drawing tablet. it is so cool. wireless! he has two weeks off (non-voluntary unpaid) so he is hoping to get some work done on his various projects. i am hoping to get some work done on the house. nothing big - just some painting and some carpentry.

the piano is moving to its new home tomorrow. i will be sad to see her go but we don't have room for her and we couldn't afford to repair her like she deserved to be. she has found a good home and now she will get played more often too. i spent some time alone with her on friday playing christmas carols. ha! the only music i really remember how to play. oh come all ye faithful, rudolph the red nosed reindeer, joy to the world, jingle bells, silent night, the first noel - playing these songs remind me of fox point and of christmases past. i should call my mom.

time (the revelator)

i'm listening to gillian welch on a cold wet miserable monday. the cats are curled up on the sofa, the baby is asleep and tucked under some warm blankets on the floor next to my chair, the boys are both at school, dil is at work, and i am sitting here at the computer trying to work through some of the anxiety i'm feeling. what's bothering me? here's a list of things that are on my mind:

christmas - need to get a tree. need to decorate the house. need to make christmas magical and fun for the boys. need to figure out what to get people. need to find time/energy to do shopping. need to pay for things. need to make sure no one feels neglected/left out. oh, and i need to actually mail the christmas cards this year.

dil's still sick. are the antibiotics not working? no, they aren't. why aren't they working? don't know. does he need to go back to the doctor? probably. when can he go? i need to check the walk in hours.

the house is so unfinished. the walls need to be painted. the bathroom needs to be tiled. eamon needs to finish the electricals. we need to build a cabinet to protect the fuse box. ugh. no more stupid house talk. blech.

sam is having little existential panic attacks about what happens when you die. he needs a haircut. he plays too much gamecube. he doesn't get enough attention. he's too skinny. is he lonely? is he sad? i need play to with him more often.

jake and dil fight too much. dil and i don't spend enough time with jake. does he feel like he can talk to us? his friends seem so awkward and rude and geeky. is jake awkward and rude and geeky? maybe. is it just a stage? do i understand him at all? does he still love me?

this is usually the worst time of the year for me in some ways because i have this anxiety thing. i get a paralyzed and waste a lot of time worrying and being uncomfortable when i really just want to be light and airy and fun. 'tis the season to play and hug and party and laugh and light candles and drink punch and feel warm, but i usually end up feeling incompetent.

wow. writing about what i want to do as opposed to what is bothering me feels a lot better. way better. okay. well then. what i want to do:

i want to buy some paint and paint the house. i want to take time with my boys. i want to make good food. i want to have a party and invite all my friends and my family. i want to not buy presents. huh. okay. i can do this.