grammy on the brain

i spent a lot of time with gram again today. i was late to meet clay and ended up not going for a walk. i must do better tomorrow. why is it so hard to say no to people?
what a gorgeous day, though! waiting for jake was actually pleasurable! when it is sunny and warm, i feel more capable. i think i was born in the wrong place. i guess i should move or something, but i don't want to leave my peeps.
sam is going to ian's tomorrow, so i have some leeway in the afternoon. maybe i will get my painting done. (not art painting, debbie travis painting.)

19th nervous breakdown

pms quitting smoking and the general stress of my life are all coming to bear. i need ... well, i don't know what i need. i need to figure out what i need, and that in itself i find stressful.

yesterday i spent five hours with my grammy. she needs some company. she's been missing my grampy for thirty years and now all her friends and most of her family are dead. i want her to move to the berkeley on green street. then she will be part of a community. dad is trying to rush her into a nursing home. i think that will kill her. she is 88; she has no arthritis and her memory and logic are firm. she tells me things that i don't think that she tells dad. he and mum both have a lack of respect for her. i try to imagining what it will be like when my mother in law gets older and i can't. i don't know what it will be like.

tomorrow i am going to the bank to ask them to pay for school. i hope that they see what a good investment i am!

jake's homework yesterday involved reading a story about a family that was displaced and so someone in the family created some kind of sweater that would remind them of their home. after he read the story, he was supposed to answer some questions about it and draw a sweater design that would represent his own home. he drew a sweater that had music notes, fuzzballs, lego and a computer. i was bemused.

disjointed. this is disjointed.

maybe some good old fashioned exercise will help.

omg

last night was kinda fun! we missed two out of three of the bands we wanted to see, but that is kind of par for the course for me and ces. the bar was full of people that we knew, which definitely had its bad points. dc's grandfather died yesterday, which sort of made it hard to be mean to him. and i like him, which makes it silly to be mean to him. b.i.l. was there with some boys and i went back and forth between wanting to kill him and thinking that he was cute. standard. i like his gf more and more. i think that she may be a no bullshit gal. wifey wanted to give out her phone number, but then she chickened out. easy for me to say, i bet it must be pretty hard to do.

today so far i managed to:
get up and drive the boys to school
drink some coffee
take calls from ryah and grammy
make calls to eamon and claire (no, we are not going to the gym, but it sure would be a nice day for a walk)
spend waaaaay too much time reading blogs of people i don't really know
listen to some goooood tunes
open the windows and let the sunshine in

now i gotta
clean up a bit (sam's having ian over today and i don't wanna embarrass him!)
make some food
get a 2 gang utility box

for posterity, here're some of my musical favorites today:
gillian welch make me a pallet on your floor
leonard cohen bird on a wire
bobby d. baby let me follow you down
matt mays good people
joel plaskett love this town
al tuck brother from another mother
matt mays travellin'
johnny cash i've been everywhere
kathleen edwards back to me
steve miller take the money and run
aretha franklin rock steady
velvet underground sunday morning
weakerthans left and leaving
postal service sleeping in

dear world, nothing happened today.

yes it is true. i woke up at 4:30 - it was raining. couldn't get back to sleep even after i tried some relaxation techniques. i got up and read for a while. i'm reading jonathan strange and dr, norrell. i like it a lot. i fell asleep on the sofa and woke up (sort of) when the boys got up, around 7 - the rain had turned to snow. i kept dozing off and was feeling pretty sick, so dil took the car and drove the kids. i slept for most of the morning. i did not go to the gym. dil came home for lunch and we ate some apple pie. i got dressed and drove him to work. i was feeling kind of stressed out and vaguely panicky, but i am still not sure why. pms, maybe. i hate to blame the hormones, but there it is. i still feel kind o' crappy.

ell called and wanted to come over after work and use the internet. i said, "no way!"

well, actually, i said "sure!" and i meant it. i need to get off the computer and do something else for a while.

i need to make some supper and check on jake's homework and make sam practice piano.

and i need to shower and find something to wear because ces and i are going to tribeca tonight to see a show.

i should sleep okay tonight!

like sands throught the hour glass these are the days of my life.

i don't know if this is going to last, but i was complaining to my dad last week about how the days/weeks/months/years seem to be passing me by and he said "whattya expect? life is like an hourglass, and the sand always goes faster at the end" and half expected him to break into some sort of maudlin baritone and announce that "these are the days of our lives".

so i was all like, "i am not a the end! and besides, that is cheesy!" and he was all like, "you'll see..." and not that i admitted that i was wrong or anything but i did ask him how he dealt with this phenomenon. he said "i write in a journal everyday. you should do it too!" and if you knew my dad (which you might) you would be very surprised. he is not a diary kind of guy. he is addicted to tsn and doesn't know how to work the microwave. he has six kids. he was not present for any of the births and did not change a diaper. he is not a modern man.

anyways, so i am going to try and keep a diary, and write everyday, because even though i am not old and i do not believe that time is comprised of trickling sand, i do want to be able to remember what i have done or thought on any given day. well, i think that i do. maybe it will be boring. let's finds out.